Going along with routines and schedules can be quite defeating + draining for the most part. It's often why I shy away from any sort of unneeded structure. Lately, I've been worrying a lot about my future and the decisions I will choose to make along the way- and trust me, I still do think a lot about it, but much lesser now. It took a few proper conversations, a handful of sleepless nights and a lot more self-reflection than I would've imagined to get me where I am in this very moment.

Being completely honest with all of you, I've been working on finding ways to better myself. I spent all of March writing and writing nonsense - all the good and all the bad. None disregarded. I think it all comes from a special place, no matter how terrible or progressive my mind was at the time. The past summer made me want to relearn my love for writing and truly, it's been the very best for me lately. I recently got the position as editor for a paper and not even the best words could express how good I'm feeling about it all.

Alongside flooding my old notebooks and putting ink to paper, bettering myself in a sense of knowing when to hold my tongue has been something else I've been constantly pushing. Words regardless of what they are or the context they are in, can be so bitter. So, so bitter. Along with the jealous and envious nature that runs in our blood, as humans. As humans. You are not expected to be perfect. You are human. Words will not always come out right, your tongue will slip. It's only presumable. It turns out I'm the worst with this. Most days, I end up saying all the wrong things and that's why I write instead. I always heard the "watch your words" phrase, and I overlooked it far too much, far too often. Truly watch what comes out of your mouth and be careful about what you let filter into your ears. You know your own worth. No words spoken against you should ever taint who you know yourself to be.

Be nice. Be a good person. It doesn't take that much.

Last night, I had a really really good time. The whole entire day, actually. There was not a single thing "bad" about the day and truly, for me, those days don't come around too often. After a day of pouring rain, the sunshine came out behind the stormy clouds and gave me my first sense of hope that morning. The essence of taking in a particular moment is so important. You are never going to get it back. It's gone and you're on with the future now. You'll only have memories to value, never the exact moment again. Hug a little tighter, talk a little longer and have fun with it. I wish I would have done just that, if time would have allowed. But of course, besides red lipstick, time is the most unforgiving. Enjoy your company and who you are with. Even if you have them for 10 minutes, maybe even a split second.. You won't have them forever. It was all I needed.

My friends. They have been nothing but the most supportive/loyal, and I truly believe they are a big part of why I feel the way I feel right now. I love the witty comments and how genuinely happy and excited they are about things I have going for me. With them, every single joke or laugh has even the slightest bit of value. Anywhere we are together is home.

With a little bit of retrospect, it's been real good. The best I've felt in a very long time. Some days are definitely better than others, but it feels way too good right now to still have the drive to breathe another into my lungs. My motivational force has never been stronger and my tenacity continues to push me forward. Sometimes all you need is a sign, or particular person to stimulate what was already there; what you hadn't already realized.

Today, my best friend said, "Jynn's in that mood where she loves everything and everyone." I can agree to that 100%.

I've been feeling good, how are you?
x lj