What a weird year it's been, truly. I floated for the vast majority of it and can hardly remember anything. A friend described 2016 as seeing the "realest" version of myself, for the first time. And by "realest" i mean breakdowns on top of bad days and hardly any sleep and panic attacks, drowned into a cocktail of my own tears. If that doesn't sound depressing, then I really don't know what else is. It's weird to think about. I was only happy last year.

On a different note, it's been such a year for creative endeavours - both equally challenging and trying, but also rewarding. In February, I was able to bring to life a little poetry side project (INTRICATE BONES) with Lily. It's seriously been so incredible to collaborate with someone likeminded within our passion for messy poetry and of course incredible to get to know each other even better. I couldn't ask for any better co-mother. We're already planning a lot of new work for the new year, so stay tuned if you're into it! Writing for UNCLEAR aka my first real publication work has been nothing short of amazing, as well. You all know that.

There are times this year when I've wanted to give up on writing completely - and it's something I've never felt prior. At a point, words, let alone my own, meant nothing to me anymore. And if I believed that my words held no meaning to me, how could they possibly mean anything to anyone else? Words are so powerful. The same thing that tore me down also had the capability of making me feel whole again. Writing saved me this year. Writing is so magic.

On the visual side of the creative spectrum- by the time August came around, priorities and creative direction around L+M began to shift and Youtube wasn't something we were necessarily invested in as we used to be. Since then, we've been on an indefinite creative hiatus, putting our energy into our friendship and stepping away from that whole whirlwind. So sorry if the explanation wasn't clear at the time. Be authentic with what you create and never sacrifice quality and passion for meeting a deadline or for solely catering to an audience's needs and forgetting your own. But hey - we might be back. Never said we wouldn't.

One of the more important nights of the year was back in April. I wish I could pinpoint why this day was so important to me, but it's better a feeling than if I were to try to explain it in words. Nothing I could write would do the feeling justice. So clearly, I remember my friends waiting for me outside the ballet studio with hugs and smiles after a long day of training. We sat by the bay and talked straight into the night about things we've done since we've seen each other last and about our fears for the future and about our families and about the people we've grown apart from. Something simultaneously so simple can be so grand all at once. Talking is so vital. Good friends are a lifeline, bloodline even.

I've used this analogy too many times to count this year - I know - but it's inevitable that you'll meet someone who will spin your head around so fast you won't be able to fall asleep at night. And maybe you haven't experienced that this year, but at some point, you will. Just let them. Let them ruin your sleep and let them mess with your head. I thought last year was a pretty bad year for sleep - but this year proved me different. "Mess" is the only word I can use to accurately describe myself/everything around me this year. And those closest to me know it. But if I can justify it, it's a nice kind of mess. A good kind of mess. The kind of mess that, if you're lucky, you might find someone else who knows the same kind of mess.

The amount of loss I've experienced this year through situations as difficult as death or simply through the trivial things has been so, so difficult. I can't even begin to voice to you how much of me this year has taken that I know will never be returned. It's heartbreaking and it sucks. I don't know how else to put it without going too in depth. It's losing friendships. It's no longer speaking to people who know too much about you. It's wanting to pick up the phone and call someone you know you shouldn't; at an hour you shouldn't. It's wanting to pick up the phone and call someone who is no longer around. Everyday has been a constant battle in so many different forms - but I guess I wouldn't know the light without spending some time in the dark.

Looking ahead, I couldn't tell you what 2017 will look like for me. Not a single clue. I'm anxious, but more than ready to let this year pass. The strangest feeling in me says that the coming months might be a little better than the last. I'm ready to pour myself into my art and tune into my creativity fully. All I can promise are more words and more honesty. "Likes" or "follows" won't define my art and I refuse to let the fear of judgement control me. Still gonna be messy tho. I know that much for a fact.

I don't know where this blog will happen to go or if I will continue to post, but know that I am still so damn proud of this thing!

Give yourself a moment to catch a breath and just take everything in before the new year starts. Forever thankful for all the friends and family that will be moving into 2017 still by my side. Just do whatever makes you feel alive/whatever will keep you alive. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that scraping by with only the bare minimum is still moving forward, in a sense.

Sincerely,

lj

******** ps, i saw rihanna live this year and i am forever a changed person and it makes me think that maybe this year wasn't so bad after all.