It's been awhile since I've written an honest update beyond what's happening in my mind/life on more than just a surface level. Mainly because I've been extremely caught up in the hustle and bustle of my daily schedule, that I have no time to elaborate any further than just narrating platonic events of my day. I hate that. I want the words I say to be honest and vulnerable; not just a dreamt up version or illusion of what people see my life to be.
It's a good mix of being anxious and nervous. I'm terrified of feeling hollow, I'm petrified of losing passion for things I put my soul into. A couple weeks ago I ran through this (rather cynical, kind of vicious) cycle of falling out of touch with my craft. I began to feel I was no longer good at writing and my words no longer held any true meaning to me, let alone to anyone else. My creative circuit was cut. I wrecked my brain for a spark, only to find myself suffocating in smoke. For myself, this is a wakeup call to when things start to get dangerous. Creativity is the catalyst to every living part of me and when I can no longer will myself to create - I can no longer pour myself into what I love.
I'm in a better headspace as of right now. Still, it would be a lie to say all my doubt is cleansed, when in reality, I feel the question of if what I'm doing is actually worth something - taking over the core of me. If what I'm writing is even meaningful anymore. If what I'm chasing after is worth the chase. So quit chasing feelings. Quit chasing temporary emotion. Chase passion. Chase the attributes you wish to channel.
A SUDDEN SNAP BACK INTO REALITY. I have a voice - yes I do. More importantly, I have something to say. There's a major difference between the two. You can be running your mouth without saying a single thing. Substance is almost everything in this virtual pixellated world. I never want to be soulless, without a heartbeat or airflow through my lungs. The day I stop writing is the day I run dry of things to say, and God forbid, I hope I never live to see it.
You know, it's okay to put yourself first sometimes. Put yourself in a headspace that benefit your well being, I promise it's worth it and it's not "selfish". Take time to fall back in love with what you love and give time to brew passion to the brim. Have faith in yourself, you are all you have.
And if you aren't finding what you want.... Good news. You can create it.
All my love,
x lj
