2015.

12:00:00 AM


2015 was one for the books, I can't really start to emphasize it enough.

I'd like to think I learned a lot this year, as cliche as that may sound to start things off. I reached my motivational peak, I held more than I knew I was capable of carrying. I experienced and accomplished more than I ever thought I would in my lifetime, in 12 months. I ran through a couple health related scares and worries that kept me up at night and greeted me at my low. I've been in and out of clinics and spent the latter bit of the year waiting on x-rays, news, and good/bad results. I knew what it felt like to be let down. I knew what it felt like to be a let down. I lost some of the biggest parts of me. I mended a few.

2015 was probably one for the sleep deprived. I've been up to see many variations of the sunrise and asleep when the rest of the world kept moving - could be easily taken as a good or bad thing, it depends. I spent a lot of the time being sleepless on a tourbus driving across the country - I say 'sleepless', but seriously some of the best, most comfortable sleep I've had in my life when I did actually sleep. I'd probably function better on more sleep. The only real struggle for me was not rolling off the top bunk and breaking bones.. Besides that, living was easy. I only really had to worry about what donut I had for breakfast or if I wanted to get out of my bunk in time to see Nelly or TLC perform.. and if you're wondering, I stuck with the original glazed Krispy Kreme donuts and yes, I did try to make it habitual to at least rap along to one Nelly song every night.

Traveling taught me my own sense of clarity; how to learn to see through a pair of new eyes. I saw the world in rose gold. I learned that the unfamiliarity isn't always a bad thing and that home is not so much a place, as it is a group of people. 'Home' is more than a rigid structure of four monotonously painted white walls. 'Family' isn't necessarily connected by a common blood that runs through our veins, but more so, the ones who make our blood flow; the ones who have the ability to make our hearts pump to breathe and help us survive. That's what family is. I learned this on the road.

Things started to foreshadow. Faces I'd see in a crowd or a perfect stranger standing beside me, sneaking a smile - people I never imagined I'd see again - they appeared. This time around, they stayed for a little longer than however many seconds it took to 'sneak a smile' the first time. It sparked a little something in me.. So I wrote about it, but they don't have to know. I never knew it was possible to have the feeling of lightning bolts sent through me until then. Some kind of foreign.

This hat made more appearances than ever in 2015 and is truly the reason I can never get lost in a crowd..
(and no, it won't be retiring anytime soon)

Writing. Something I've really strived to keep consistent this year was writing - whether it be for the blog, or just personal little pieces. You learn that the more you write, the more consistent you stay - no matter how good or bad the piece is - progress will eventually be shown through your work. You'll realize the development of your own personal stylistic nature. Oh and believe me - it's hard. You'll lose focus. There will be some nights when you really would rather just go to bed than spill your mind out on paper. You'll lose inspiration somewhere down that road. Trust me, it's worth staying up the extra ten minutes. So worth it.

Hope, to me, was found in the form of a daily horoscope, even if they didn't necessarily ring true - it gave me a little extra to believe in (for the most part... they were pretty accurate). It was all a mere matter of the stars aligning.. or at least I believed it to be, at some point. It was all I thought I had, but the belief in a horoscope only amounted to half the equation. Acting on whatever hope I had created a summative.


And it wasn't all smooth sailing. Some days had me going out of my mind. I didn't know what I wanted. But I wanted something; and to know exactly what I wanted was something beyond me. I longed for so much for than I had, when I should've been thankful instead. I felt so lost. I expected too much out of somethings that were really nothing. There were many days like this. Whatever I had on my shoulders felt too much then. In hindsight - I wish I knew I'd feel alright again. I should've known. We're always alright. We will always be.

These good (and not so good) days had soundtracks attached to them, and the memories play in my head like a broken record every time I hear songs that accompanied them. I'd always like to think that now and far down the road, music has been/will always be my perpetual solace and the very center of my being. Majority of 2015, and years before it, have always been centered around music - whether it be seeing a favourite artist play the Rio movie theatre (such a sick venue), meeting the most striking, intriguing people at the rock shows, or even traveling the country and experiencing 'behind the scenes' of a 47 date tour. It could even be associated with simply buying a record. I finally copped 'GOLD' by Ryan Adams last week and all I want to do is lay down in my dim-lit room and let it spin.. Just simple things like that, you know? Blasting Rick Astley with my mother on a roadtrip can be painted so intricately in my mind, also the night I decided James Bay's music is what calmed me down while driving; that 'Two' by Ryan Adams is the perfect song to play on a late night Arizona drive or through an early morning Oregon fog. And truthfully, all these experiences with music shaped the outcome of my year.

All that being said - 2015 was the best year thus far, yet the most challenging. I wouldn't trade my experience for another. Some sort of crazy amazing. Though, when I say it's been the "best" year, I still think the best is yet to come.. Tomorrow will be a whole new blank, first page in a book of 365. The sun will rise tomorrow and whatever shadows today won't seem as dim - if that is how it is like in your head right now. I've had those days. Many this year. Your worth is really found within yourself. No words against you, material objects, circumstances or people, could ever define you. Go on and forgive if the opportunity presents itself. I'll be the first to say - I'm guilty of doing the opposite. Life's too short to dwell on petty problems.

I've still many experiences to pass through in this lifetime, but one thing I'm eternally sure of is how lucky we are to live. How lucky we are to be alive and how lucky we are to be just be.

Be kind to others and especially to yourself. Let people know you care for them. Go hug your mother, have a coffee with dad, call up the ones who see you through - you won't have them forever. It will ease the viciousness of this whole thing called 'life'. It will cost you absolutely nothing. I'm still learning. 

In the least bit - this blog was created so you could take something from it; whatever "it" may be. This is my small attempt at using my utmost leverage to influence or ignite some sort of passion. Don't believe for one second that you can't achieve what you want. Keep passionate. If there's anything that this generation lacks, it's passion, it's enthusiasm, it's the motivation to be the right kind of influential. It's the creative invention that this generation lacks - and it lacks heavily. Use your leverage. Find what gives you purpose.


 


 Oh, and I'm a year meat-free!

Please do be safe tonight!

Wishing you all love, good health and godspeed with whatever ventures you have ahead of you in the upcoming year.
Thank you for reading my words in 2015,
I'll see you in 2016.

That's a wrap.

x lj

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