What a weird year it's been, truly. I floated for the vast majority of it and can hardly remember anything. A friend described 2016 as seeing the "realest" version of myself, for the first time. And by "realest" i mean breakdowns on top of bad days and hardly any sleep and panic attacks, drowned into a cocktail of my own tears. If that doesn't sound depressing, then I really don't know what else is. It's weird to think about. I was only happy last year.

I just realized that it's been awhile since I've last shared what music has been on repeat for the past bit, let alone written on this thing, for that matter. I apologize once again! Life is pulling me in so many directions right now, I can hardly think/see/write straight. My playlist has been a little bit of everything lately - Usher to Marcy Playground to The Killers to Solange. I'm on Spotify if you want to check out some of my playlists as well! @LEGACYJYNN, as per usual.

SOME MIGHT SAY / OASIS

Yaaaasss! We've made it past September! Barely! Kind of! It's been a busy month, not too much to say really, but a lot of planning for the future. Growing up is strange. Midst the madness of September, I listed up a few favourite things. Kinda Drake-y. Kind of all over the place.

DRAKE REVENGE HOODIE

Fast forward to midway through this year, Gloria, a friend of mine (and also the most amazing, stellar photographer ever, duh) texted me that a magazine was doing open calls for writers/photographers/creatives and that I should give it a shot. And so I did, and here I am writing this entry to you. Already, within my first month and a bit, have a couple things to look forward to in the coming months - so stay tuned! Big thank you to the Unclear team for letting me write without restrictions and with arms wides open, extending a platform for me to share with a new crowd. I can't wait to grow alongside a team and help build this amazing publication. Also thank you to Gloria for always helping me grow as a writer and feeding me new ideas/opportunities. I'm so lucky to know someone like you.

And how could I ever forget - thank you to whoever has paid mind to anything I've ever written. It still means the very world to me, I know I say that too much. The encouragement, support and whatever else you've shown me never goes unnoticed, whether it be through a comment, 'like' or even just simply taking in what I have to say. As a writer, my only aim is to get across to people who might feel the same way, hoping to make it clear that there is someone else in this world who feels the exact same as they might. Slowly, slowly making these writing dreams into reality and letting the words run wild....

x lj

MY ARTICLES FOR UNCLEAR MAGAZINE (more coming soon!):

'THE ABILITY TO FEEL'

'DISAPPEAR HERE' / BAD SUNS ALBUM REVIEW

x lj

My interests fluctuate so frequently I can hardly keep up with myself sometimes (I'm about half joking, haha). I know the month isn't over just yet, but I figured I'd share a few of my favourites early -- for no reason. Just because! August reminds me of a lot of things and in short, is when I start to feel summer winding down. This upcoming month is about to be the start of something new, yet simultaneously the end of something (but I'll save that 'something' for many, many long and wordy entries to come...).

Anyways, here are some things I enjoyed this last month -- hope you dig.

I'm never quite sure how to wrap my head around how you truly are.

Maybe you're comparable to Mulholland at night -- only headlights and stopping for the nearest lookout. You are the beauty of LA without the cheap gimmicks and plastic surgery and whatever the hell else comes along with stereotypical California. You make me as dizzy as these winding roads; further and further up and around they go. Maybe it's in the six cups of coffee you drink or the courage you down at night. Maybe it's in the stillness of the morning, maybe it's the madness you invite.

It's in your eyes. It has always been - communicating words you want to say but would never show. It's just something you do. Eyes of greens and greys, reminiscent of autumn mornings and fields of haze. They read my intricate bones, they guide me on my way back home.

But maybe - just maybe, you aren't any of these things - maybe you are. Once again, I'm never too sure of you. Maybe this is the product of what I dreamt you up to be.

You are in all of these things, filling each and every busy corner in places that now deserve a second look. Places I wouldn't dare explore before I met you. Songs I would have skipped before I met you. Some peace of mind I wouldn't have known before I met you.

x lj


Shot by Margaret Sha

I always enjoy trying on clothing that isn't mine. I absolutely love going through my friends' closets and finding little pieces I don't have in my own. The other day, I went over to my best friend's house and took my three favourite items of hers: a (faux) leather jacket, an oversized thrifted t-shirt, and some mustard brown pants. Helps having style savy friends -- am I right?

My concern lies in our generation and more importantly, in the mentality of the upcoming. Thinking of the condition of the world that we may raise our children and their children and our children's children in scares me beyond measures. With a society that constantly steals and appropriates from black culture -- won't society at least know to take a stand for the people behind the culture they steal from? The culture being discriminated against? The ones who are killed on the daily without justice being served? We, as a collective society, take all we want from black culture, but after it is all said and done, do we show up for black lives? It irks me that the masses seem to be concerned with being deemed "racist" than with racism itself. That doesn't sit well with me.

A discussion I had a long while back with a couple of my good friends comes to mind, sparked by a song titled "White Privilege II". Black Lives Matter. Think of it as a simple analogy of a single house on fire, midst a subdivision of many houses. The fire department wouldn't arrive and hose down all the houses - simply because they are not all burning. In that moment, the burning house matters most. The burning house needs the most help.

My heart is beyond broken for the families of the victims wrongfully taken. How are you to explain to a young daughter that vulnerability of her father's life was placed in and taken by the hands of someone we are told to put trust in to protect us? It leads me to believe that, chances are, the victims were too good for what is happening on this earth right now. Violence, hate, brutality and political mistrust will never win, I cannot promise a lot of things, but I can at least promise you that.

As a person of colour, it is only right that support is shown in the direction it needs to be. We must raise awareness for issues amongst other races where the injustice is evidently prevalent. Using the internet on various platforms, I believe it is my responsibility to spread awareness and take a stand for those who are no longer with us; who can no longer speak. Yes, I have experienced my own share of discrimination against my culture and have seen racism being spread around Asian customs, but by first glance, no one bothers to deem us as "criminals" or "thugs". This is a stereotype many black Americans deal with every day. I will likely never experience, know or understand the fear of getting pulled over by a cop and having a gun drawn at me. For that, I recognize how lucky I am. This may not be my reality, but it is for many. Right now, I am not important. This is not about me. I never want my closest friends, cousins of half-black decent, or anyone - for that matter, to ever have to be afraid of the people who are supposed to protect them.

Realize that this is not something taken out of an ancient history book. This is happening in 2016 - a time when you and I are alive and walking this earth. A very wise and stellar history teacher once said something I will never forget: "fear drives politics". To that, I expand and apply his statement to the current circumstances. Though, hopefully, this lingering "fear" is for the condition of the world and not a fear of skin colour or fear of senseless acts of police brutality. Do not be disconnected from the truth of this reality. This is real. This is happening.

We must progress as a society to a place where race, religion, gender, sexual orientation - where the colour of our skin - doesn't alter how we are treated or how we treat each other. Importance and worth do not depend on any of these factors. Erase the stigma. We are not here to take a life for a life. We are not to be or feel defeated. We are not done here, we are far from it.

Be the change. Use your voice. You can do great things by speaking up, I swear it be true.

You are heard.

x lj

A two month hiatus is long enough, right? Seemingly long enough to get a few things together (myself, included), set my priorities and to clear my mind a bit. Some would call it "writer's block" and I would be led to call it a "creative block", but I don't believe in that. Inspiration is everywhere and most days we are just blind; susceptible to believing we don't have it in us when we do. Within the past two months I've experienced a lot more than expected - some good, a handful of bad, and a lot of plain haziness... tossed in with six seasons of The Office and one too many bags of flaming hot cheetos.

It took weeks to fully reflect and begin the preliminary stages of healing after losing someone close to my heart. I'm led to believe, and thoroughly convinced, that the hardest part about a sudden passing is never being able to say what was needed. For that, I am beyond heartbroken; heartbroken I will never get another chat, laugh or chance to say everything I still had in me. So say it - and say it while you still have the chance. You don't have the people you love forever, even the ones you know to be the strongest.

All I can describe this as is some kind of beautiful mess.

A beautiful mess. It's a mixture of everything, above all things. It's taking loss and turning it into life again. This is healing. It's the odd day when feeling the sun on your skin doesn't burn, when most days you would shy away from the light. It's a Saturday midnight catching up with friends by the bay. Really, this "beautiful mess" can be anything you choose.

Above is a little excerpt I contributed to the Local Wolves magazine for their May issue (which you can check out here). Written above is a little reminder that bad days end and better ones come again. Take care of yourself and take care of each other - give what you have to those who need it more than you do.

Through all of this -- I've recently learned that I am the greatest BS-er in the history of all BS-ers, especially when it comes to writing essays. That, and also the fact that everything eventually clears if you choose to let the sun back in.

We're all alright.

I have so much doubt in my system, it's unhealthy. Doubt about the future. Doubt with trust. Doubt in faith. Doubt about 'friendship'. Doubting other people. Doubt in myself. At the rate I've used the word 'doubt', I don't remember its true meaning anymore. I step back and ask myself if feeling this disconnected from everything/everyone is normal. It seems as if being in my own head is the only place I feel most comfortable, but sometimes comfort is overrated and not what I want. It's never what I want. Then again, maybe something good will come from straying from comfort. Doesn't it always?

The first thing I want to clear out is that only real problem I have associated with the term 'feminist' or 'feminism' is when people use it to be apart of a fad. It is not a fad, it is a movement -- and yes, it is so real. It is not something 'cool' one second and gone the next. We're talking women's lives here. We're talking rights and freedoms. We're talking inequality. We're talking equality. We're talking power risen from a struggle. This is no fad. We almost don't need the label to define us... it's not something to be called or to be said solely, it's something to be DONE. Don't be fooled - you don't have to be a woman to support this movement.

Feminism is not the idea of female superiority over the male gender, but rather a crusade for equality.

Sometimes it's as simple as saying "I'm going to wear this today because it is my body", and that's how it should be. I'll wear my Slipknot shirt if I want to. I'll wear dark lipstick that everyone hates... just to piss them off and because, well, I like it. I'll wear my bralette with nothing on top, exposing the bones in my chest if I want to. I'll wear a mens hoodie that drapes over my entire body and is 4 sizes too big for my little frame. I'll wear nothing if I want to. Since when did respect come solely from clothing or what we adorn our bodies with? Since when did that becoming the deciding factor on how we view people? It's MY body, I'll wear what I want. It's MY body, I'll do what I want.

Is my shoulder distracting? What about my boney chest? That's not my problem. It's likely yours.

It seems the monotonous model construct of a perfect woman is to be dainty, with all 'suggestive' body parts covered, who is careful of pleasing others by doing what she is told. By the way, there is absolutely nothing wrong with covering up cleavage or being as fragile as fine china -- that is not the point I am trying to get across, but the over-sexualization breeds a new issue. Why people sexualize a bare shoulder? I don't know. Why schools ban solely females from wearing shorts? A tank top? A rip in her jeans? I will never understand. Clothing and bodily adornments shouldn't be the pinpoint of focus here. People spend too much time obsessing over other people's "modesty" that something as simple, yet important, as education... it gets pushed aside. We need to encourage education. We need to teach kids proper values and how to respect one another regardless of circumstance/race/skin colour/gender/sexual orientation/religion. This is what is important. This is what the kids need. This is ultimately what will make the world go around. It's not always an issue about clothing, it's more of an issue revolving around lack of respect. I hate the comparison between what is "modest" and what is deemed "immoral". A lot of the time, it's beyond more than just a clothing issue - it's way, way beyond that. Respect is respect and if you cannot respect a certain 'type' of woman, you are missing the point completely. You cannot say you actually respect women.

We need to support each other. Girls need to support other girls -- that's the bottom line. I've admittedly had my faults and struggles with this. Jealousy, bitterness and resentment get in the way a lot of the time, but I'm working on it every single day. We need to stop putting each other down/against each other and start standing together; this doesn't just apply to us, but to the entire humankind. When we support each other and when we empower each other, we are unstoppable - I kid you not.

Don't be afraid to speak up; for yourself, for each other. I learned this from watching videos from watching Amber Rose speak at her annual 'SlutWalk', a movement against gender inequality, victim blaming, sexual violence and derogatory labels. Having a voice is not synonymous to being a 'bitch'... if anything, the only 'bitch' it will make you is an educated, honest, vocally engaged badass bitch who knows her worth and will not stick around to hear anything less. It seems that in 2016, people STILL believe that a woman's place is to stay silent, to be fully covered in clothing to be respected, and are viewed to not succeed as far as the typical man would. It's been said that every man has a fear of a strong minded woman and I believe it. You have a voice, so use it. Never let anyone belittle you because you are a woman or go as far as telling you what you can or cannot do because you "aren't strong enough", because you are "too girly" or "not girly enough", let alone -- because you are a girl.

If you couldn't already tell, I'm bewildered that this is still an issue. Yes, I want a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup right now.... but I want equality even more. I haven't even began to touch base on all I have to say.

Peace (an all male band, I might add..) says in their song titled, 'I'm A Girl', "If we're living in a man's world / I'm a girl". Even though I am quite literally a girl, if this world is deemed a 'man's'.... Every ounce of me would still choose to be a 'girl'. Wear dark lipstick, even hot pink, or none at all; whatever your preference is. Paint your nails and flaunt 'em -- but even then, always remember just how fast and easy it is to pull the trigger even with your nails drying.

So shoot.

It's all in your power.

x lj

Worn with 'WHIRL' lipliner from MAC

I spent months and months searching various Sephora stores to find the coveted Kat Von D liquid lipstick -- 'LOLITA'. Trying to find a Lolita is like competing for the Hunger Games, where majority of the people end up getting defeated on the hunt - in this case because it is hardly ever in stock. It's so frustrating! It seemed as if Lolita had been the main hype of the liquid lipstick world until Kylie Jenner's Lip Kit came to dethrone it. Nonetheless, I've had Lolita for awhile now and thought I would give an honest review for people who may be looking into giving it a go.

Midst an overly busy (crazy, and confusing) week, my partner in crime/business partner/boss lady of a friend and I had the opportunity to shoot some photos with the talented Gloria Wong, styled in Esthetic Supply. We asked Hana to style us in a few outfits from her store that she thought best represented us and naturally, I'll admit the difficulty of choosing clothing pieces in hue (I'm working on it people, I'm working on it... kind of... or not).

More photos from the shoot below the jump:

This video was something that pulled a chord somewhere in me that stayed long enough to linger for the entire week. Today marks the 1st year anniversary of the release of 'AMERICAN CANDY' by The Maine; I recall this song as being the first one to really catch my attention, it was the one song I immediately called a favourite -- upbeat, a catchy guitar riff, assertive lyrics.. etc. A year later, I'm still convinced it's one of the strongest songs on the record.. yet, also one of the more overlooked, underrated tracks.

I woke up this morning (like any other), walked straight to the washroom and bestowed in front of me was a mirror and my reflection staring me back in the face. Without makeup. Uneven skin tone. Hair in knots. Lanky arms. Weird bone structure. Retainer in place. Scar on my left eyebrow. Tired eyes. This is my normal; nowhere near perfect. As an aspiring ballerina, I've spent most of my life stationed in front of a mirror, critiquing every single pirouette/grande jeté/pas de chat.. etc. Along with the technical critique, physical criticism doesn't fall far either. Dancers are long and lanky (as mentioned in the music video). I am not long and lanky (except my abnormally long arms). I'm not tall enough. My left leg is shorter than my right; making my right hip noticeably much higher than the left. My flexibility isn't near as good as it should be. My legs aren't toned enough. I'm not as skinny as the next girl. My features aren't that of the classic ballerina.

Despite everything I just said that may have made you think that my life is an actual living nightmare, good doesn't fall very far. All the time I've spent awake is mostly used up on thinking and thinking and more thinking; probably a little over, but I don't always believe that is a bad thing. Thinking and writing go hand in hand - talking doesn't fall far behind. I like to talk. I like to think about something and talk about it with someone... then write about it. I think it's something that is built into a standard writer's mind; to write about everything, quite literally everything, to write in heavy detail. Detail is important - honesty and intricacy is everything; in thinking, talking and writing. Everybody talks, but do they know what they are actually saying?

My friend Hana runs a sick online store of curated vintage clothing [which you can check out here] and I copped this plaid cloak from her last year. And yes -- I am 100% aware I look like a pale, disturbed, 236 year old vampire that hasn't slept or seen sunlight for the entirety of my being. The outside world is strange to a vampire like me.

That's okay. People are strange; as am I.

Pursuing an education is probably one of the biggest things in my life right now. To even begin to describe the amount of pressure I feel is so difficult.. it would be an understatement to only measure it by saying "a lot". I'm sure some of you reading this have felt similarly at some point or can resonate with this whole idea of educational pursuit. Being able to pursue an education is something we disregard so quickly mainly because it's readily accessible to us. It's such a privilege to go to school everyday -- I wish the kids of this and the next and all the following generations would/will know. I wish I would stop complaining about how early my alarm is set for class in the morning; little things like that should be irrelevant. Some will never even get the opportunity. Some will never know what it is like to be able to get to learn like we do.

Who really opened my eyes to this was Ryan Adams. He raised a point about attitude that has always been unforgettable to me. "Man, I gotta get up and do three interviews today, I've got a performance on BBC, then a show...". He then said, "I don't know how it's going to be, but I'm going to have an amazing time doing it. Even if I cannot seem to produce any alchemy, man, I'm going to be in the lab and I'm gonna be mixing all the ingredients. I get to do it. It's so great. I get to do this." The way he started that sentence was "I get to". We get to. We get to learn. We get to have an education. We get the opportunity to do things, yet still, people don't take what is in front of them.

My eyes are heavy as I type to you.

Well - here's a break from all the personal entries of 2016, thus far!

Lately I've been super into makeup and all about growing my product collection.. So I thought some of you might be interested in a little glam tutorial! I wish I had the time to beat my face like this everyday, if we're being honest here. Most mornings I just roll out of bed, do my eyebrows [with my eyes half open, ha.] and call it a day. Looking to start practicing on other faces as well this year! Hmm.... Ideas, ideas.

ANOTHER YEAR.

It's crazy to see how much life has moved since my last birthday but also crazy to see how much is exactly the same. This year made me realize that, sometimes, getting older isn't such a bad thing after all. Yet - I realized that time isn't a friend of mine. It never forgives. Makes me wonder where I'll be a year from now.

Sometimes I feel like having my feet on the ground isn't what I want anymore. I used to want stability. I wanted structure. I wanted to know every single thing coming at me (I'd be lying if I said I don't think about it at all anymore...). Now, I'd rather have my head up in space; soul flying through the millions of galaxies without an ounce of care. I've learned to let life just be. I'm not in control; in the grand scheme of things anyways.

Other than writing for my own blog, I've always thought of doing a writing side project - but I never knew just what. I never had any direction/time or that clear of a head to carry the idea out. Likewise, Lily - who I met through a common interest of one of our favourite bands and this thing called Instagram, had the same idea. We bonded over astrology, music, and writing. This is basically how 'BONES' came to life.

January was the most hectic month I've experienced so far this year (haha, laugh with me, people) - but really, it's been busy, juggling classes/exams and other things along that line. So far, 2016 has brought me less sleep, insane dosages of caffeine, and documentary binges. The upside is that I've been writing almost habitually in an attempt to keep my mind somewhat sharp during (what seems like) the dullest time of the year. The spine of my notebook is falling apart.